Ever feel sad and horny at the same time, or: I'm not dead... yet (2021 so far)

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Merzwow
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Ever feel sad and horny at the same time, or: I'm not dead... yet (2021 so far)

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It's a little presumptuous to think my post warrants this much backstory, but it's for myself more than anything (again, just another facet of my diamond-grade narcissism: ME ME ME!) I quit posting when my cat, Logrus, died late last year and things were going poorly at work and whatnot. I was afraid of getting into mushy conversations about it, and I am sorry I effectively bailed on anyone who messaged me privately about it.

Here we are now in 2021, and already another cat has died on Monday. My cat, Zan, who we've had since, I think, 2009, and who was one of the first two cats (bonded pair) we adopted. He was getting so frail and sickly in the last couple of years, and on his last days he was losing so much weight and crapping all over himself. The day we had someone come over and put him to sleep, he just laid in one spot with his eyes glazed over. I suspect he might've had a stroke or something, but IDK... It might've been that he was just hurting a lot and couldn't really keep going anymore. He had an enlarged heart and they removed a bunch of fluid from his abdomen. That was about a month ago, and he died just within the timeframe the vet had given us. It's very upsetting, but I am glad I was able to be there for his last days. Lying in bed in the dark and listening to miserable music absolutely helps.

I quit my job. I've actually been unemployed since the 26th of December, and everything sort of went to shit around that time. Medical problems getting worse, my car died two days before I put in my two weeks notice. The shop couldn't even figure out the problem in the end. I've basically just been biding my time until my sister can sell me her old car so I can enroll in a certification program and look for work doing circuit card assembly or something similar.

I can't drink because I can't get anywhere to get booze without a car. I walked to a corner gas station several weeks back and bought a bunch of beer and got so drunk I felt like my heart was going to give out and haven't had anything to drink since. It's too much trouble walking all that way just for booze + the three days of post-binge tachycardia and general malaise. Hopefully my brain dries up enough long-term so that I can stop making retarded life choices and thinking I can drink responsibly anymore when I feel tempted to buy alcohol. I obviously fucking cannot.

I've been cleaning, organizing, reading, whatever... Considering starting a vegetable garden in the yard using raised beds if I can cut down and eradicate that huge, stupid bitch of a crepe myrtle (vile weed) blocking out all the sun. Trying to fill the day. Feel rather useless and ashamed of being unemployed again.

Anyway, this post is just a round about way of posing the question: Do you guys ever get really, really horny during the grieving process? I am so fucking horny since yesterday, but I can't get over the feelings of guilt about it enough to relieve myself... I just keep thinking of my poor cat Zan's glassy, dead eyes that refused to close. His expression never seemed to change. It's like he was already dead before the drugs were administered. And he looked so peaceful, blandly staring out at nothing. He appeared paradoxically both alive and just like the mannequin material encasing his brain's zapped, or else paralyzed and fading, consciousness. I saw the sun illuminating his open eyes after I set him in the angel-of-death-lady's vehicle to be cremated, and that's about all I could focus on while my stepdad talked with her. I feel so sad for one of our other cats who relied on this one to help him because he's so timid and fearful without a companion. I am relieved Zan's no longer sick and languishing, basted in his own excrements, but the thing that still chokes me up now is thinking about the hole he's left behind for the other cat. It puts the gravity of his absence even more into perspective. It forces me to recognize that he's really gone when I think about how his absence affects the other cat.

But, again, I'm just so fucking aroused... And I'm going to have to wait, like, a week before I can even consider touching myself and not hating myself for it after. I read that it is actually an incredibly common phenomenon, sexual arousal brought on by grief. So, friends, can you relate? I need to not feel alone in this sad and frustrating time.
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Re: Ever feel sad and horny at the same time, or: I'm not dead... yet (2021 so far)

Post by Pigswill »

This is pure speculation, but maybe you've been so involved with everything that's been going on that you haven't been finding sexual release, but now your body really needs it to happen. Or it could be your mind wanting to get away from everything for a little while. Whatever the case, if you're thinking about it this much, you should probably take care of it. But try not to feel bad about it. Neglecting your needs could end up being another problem on top of a pile of things that you're dealing with.

You have my condolences for Zan. That shit is rough.
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