Current fleeting interests too

[FAP]

imagine walking in those

[Fire of the Mind]

Just one?
Is Gene Simmons selling his shoe collection?

Pshaw. Gene would never dress that well.

[NoiseWiki]

Just one?
Is Gene Simmons selling his shoe collection?

Its not his shoe collection.. its from his buttplug collection!

[Fire of the Mind]

Just one?
Is Gene Simmons selling his shoe collection?

Its not his shoe collection.. its from his buttplug collection!

Can't shame a man for his simple pleasures.

[FAP]

I've had some passing interest in Appalachian banjo & dulcimer music before, but this video on Appalachian jargon is totally fascinating to me:



Need to start using "si-gogglin" in casual conversation ;thinking:

[NoiseWiki]

Still messing around BW polaroids..

Bought a pinhole camera by Holga that uses 120 film which is a large negative format. Also got developer for negatives and paper prints.

[¾ dead]

I think I quit drinking without even trying to. Maybe it's just that I've traded vices. Smoking again.

It's odd. I was drinking a lot. I was killing myself or, at best, making myself incredibly sick, physically and mentally, every day almost for the past year, building up to that steadily over the past 2-3 years. Waking up drunk or in the throes of some horrible afib/panic attack caused by drinking so much that my heart couldn't handle it (and may well be enlarged and permanently damaged as a result) almost every day. Having to go into 8-hour shifts still shaky, quasi-drunk and completely unable to focus, or just frazzled from the latest episode of afib, which felt like a severe panic attack rolled up into a bad trip that warped my consciousness in strange ways (my consciousness feeling "elevated and off to one side of me", for instance, which is something I'm pretty sure you normally only experience while on drugs). Drinking at all hours when not working. Chugging beers on the drive home from work in the car. Constant diarrhea. Breathing problems, sleeping problems, neglecting everything. Living in a contained hive of alcoholic squalor (it's still a mess, actually). I think the longest I've gone in a long time (probably years) was during the shutdown, where I drank nothing for around 15 days.

As I write about how I haven't had a drink in over a week, I crave alcohol a bit. Even when it was making me miserable, I couldn't stop drinking, though. So the fact that I'm not already plotting my next booze haul is unusual for me. It's been nice not being constantly drenched in sweat and crapping my pants at all times. I find it's still hard to breathe effectively sometimes. Maybe it's the smoking. Maybe it's the suffocating masks supplied by my job.

Anyway, I am not making any commitments or promises to myself, but it's interesting that I have stayed sober this long without even realizing it.

[¾ dead]

My sister. Reading about narcissists. Reading about the cycle. How it manifests. How the daughter of a narcissist can be so overbearingly neurotic/emotionally fragile/"needy" in her own right that she ends up practically creating another one in the process. All that shit.

I got into an argument with my eldest sister via email over the past couple of nights. I basically told her to fuck off for good until she gets to a point where she has accomplished her goals and could only blame herself for being so full of rage and unhappiness, and finally chooses to not be so miserable and full of contempt, if she even can. I think she might actually be a classifiable narcissist, and I don't make this assumption lightly. I'm pretty stunned that it never dawned on me sooner, actually. It's genuinely chilling to finally realize what a sick, reptilian mind may live behind her eyeballs if my assumptions are even partly correct. All this time. When the fuck did she get like this? Her personality goes way beyond mere misanthropy these days.

I'm still mad about the whole thing. And disturbed. But also somewhat fascinated. Reading people online discuss their narcissistic relatives/associates is strange, though, despite the "holy shit, that's my sister!" moments. It feels like a shitty, petty way to find some vindication that she's being fucking crazy, not me. She might actually be a shittier person in reality than I ever knew possible, in spite of my lifetime of evidence. She's also a very poor manipulator, fortunately. It's a rotten feeling to suddenly recognize this in somebody like a sibling.

My sister has never seemed so frightening or alien to me. I'm genuinely only sad I'll probably never get to meet her cats now. And I'm maybe just mildly paranoid she'll mutilate them out of spite and email photos of it to me or something for telling her as much (which sounds insane, I know. But that's how fucking shaken up this revelation about her has gotten me). They are beautiful cats.

Maybe I am assuming the worst about my sister. I don't know what the fuck's up with her anymore, though. She makes it impossible to help her, constantly making excuses and flipping the script within the same/subsequent exchanges. I gave up on trying with her out of exasperation, ultimately. Shitty. And there's something else going on that makes things even shittier lately, but it goes beyond the point of this thread to go into detail.

[banned]

My sister. Reading about narcissists. Reading about the cycle. How it manifests. How the daughter of a narcissist can be so overbearingly neurotic/emotionally fragile/"needy" in her own right that she ends up practically creating another one in the process. All that shit.

that's sad man... i have an interest in forensic psychology, what it's like to be anti-social or psychopathic or narcissistic. just paranoia; it helps me feel safe. it may have made my internal life more narcissistic, though my behaviour is still unaffected.

[RUBBISH]

.

Maybe I am assuming the worst about my sister. I don't know what the fuck's up with her anymore, though. She makes it impossible to help her, constantly making excuses and flipping the script within the same/subsequent exchanges. I gave up on trying with her out of exasperation, ultimately.

Maybe you are assuming the worst but if people refuse to be reasonable are passive aggressive and make lame excuses while you are honestly and genuinely trying to connect and communicate with them...giving up on them is ok and righteous. If they wake up later and apologize it would probably be good for you to accept the apology but...big ol but...you do not have to associate with that person after the apology. Just cause they say sorry doesnt mean you have like them.

And yes its ok to disassociate with family members if they are shitty people.